I feel so...angsty about everything right now. Radio silence from Jon for over 36 hours, but who's counting. Stupid me, that's who. I don't want to be, but after his rash of messages over the last few days I became accustomed to him again. Dangerous. Don't I know this game by now? Don't I understand?
No, obviously not. I strive to though, and maybe therein lies the eternal fascination. Some lying voice inside pushes me to gather information that I can dissect and analyze for splinters of my worth. Why should it matter to me? I ask myself often, and the standard answers give a partial picture. Like it or not, he was my first sickly reciprocal love. As much as I was fascinated, so was he and the dance has been intoxicating. The chemicals play their part too. Pheromones collide with sense memories, and when I look into those changeable eyes I can see magnetic dark desire.
None of that matters though. I can't let myself romanticize what is basically dysfunctional animal attraction. I have to put this all away again. I have much more immediate issues to sort through, like the impending return of the other one's girlfriend. At least she won't be staying here, but still, the entire situation is fraught with unknowns. Plus, I'm really starting to miss *truly* alone time. ALOT.
