An update. What a week, got my hugging pillow replaced by said person, fucked it up within an hour by letting myself get sucked into my own physical attraction to him (read, ruined it by giving him a blowjob....i swear i'm the only person on earth who can REPEL someone by attempting to blow them, and it's not like I do a bad job, i was trained early and well). Had another of those great "i'm not interested in you that way" discussions in which I attempt to figure out WTF the first two months of all of this were about and battle the undying demon of "i forget and I'll never know and if it was there it just isn't now".
A middling week in between and then last night explosive "i have to leave here's" because I needed to sit near him for a minute before I went to sleep. Yup. Of course I screamed and cried and begged like a drunk pathetic woman for him to not go, and I have the aching head and puffy eyes to prove it today. I held onto the floor and i wailed out my pain because fuck it, why not. Why hold that shit in? Eventually I gave up, accepted my fate, and sat there reworking the structures of my life. Of course just like in the stories and on tv that's when he decided to stay, although i didn't really establish if that was for good, or just that he wouldn't leave at 4am, despite having packed up his shit and put 80% of it in his car.
Did this make me happy? I don't really know, all I can say is that it did allow me the privilege of finally passing out with ice cubes wrapped in paper towels over my eyes. Today though, in the light of a new morning it all seems crazy. Maybe it would be better if he was gone. Not unpainful, oh no it'll hurt like fire, and not unlonely, because i'll have to retreat from my constant companionship stage one more time in my life, but I *can* do that. I've done it for years at a stretch. At this point he only wants to be "roommates" anyway so what do i have to lose except repeated reminders of what I can't have and what doesn't want me? I can block all that shit out when I'm alone and go back to living in my star-studded fantasy land, heavily featuring the men of sunday night tv and my showerhead. I can forget the (apparently one sided) passion I felt between us and the comfort of being in his arms, listening to his heartbeat. In the immortal words of him himself, I can say "fuck that noise".
Of course he still wants to be "friends" even if he goes. Why can't my aquarian nature actually make me want that too like I always hear it's supposed to? I'm not saying i'd drop him or ignore him like yesterdays trash, but at the same time wtf? What kind of awkward times would those be? "Hey you used to live here, want to come over for some video games and beer?" How likely does that really seem to me? The answer is: not at all. I have trouble getting together with people I actually love, miss, and HAVEN'T had to go through completely ridiculous unrequited love bullshit with. The emotional masochist in me would probably make it happen every once in awhile just so I could twist the knife a little bit, but I can't say it sounds like a great idea.
Ah, god why keep going? I have a house to clean and a fate to find out. First though, more coffee...
