Ouch Ouch.
My constant companion is sleeping all the time and wandering around like a disaffected depressed person. It takes all my conscious will not to sink into it too. Add to it my total self-centeredness plus the fact that I just told him again the way I feel about him after a sexual incident he the very next day sinks into his darkness.
Mixed signals abounded though. His sadness started before that, so I went to him and sat with him, and talked with him, and on the third try when nothing I was saying worked I gave up and started to walk away when he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. We laid like that for awhile, then the touching and the rubbing and the whatnot began. Then the authoritarian came out with the just-forcible-enough sex and once it's over boom, we're back to "this is wrong", "we're roomates" and my personal favorite thus far "you seduced me".
At least if nothing else I'd become Mrs. Robinson. A post orgasmic version that just wanted to snuggle but got told to go to her own bed (and didn't). Did I seduce him? No, I wouldn't say that. Did I want to fuck him? Yes, but I usually do. The secret is, I'm getting to the end of my 20's and my viable childbearing years are starting to speed away on motor scooters made of wasted time. While this doesn't translate directly to me wanting to make a baby asap, it does translate to my BODY wanting to, and sending out constant hormone dumps to try and achieve this. Still though, years of social conditioning and self consciousness have made me wary to tread where I'm not wanted. Even in my drunken state I wasn't going to stay in the room with him. I can't pretend I wasn't going to go out and sit on the internet and whine about it like I am now, or cry a little into my beer as I played with my sims and those "roommates" fell in love and made little pixel babies, but I can honestly say I had planned to do those things while trying to take whatever melancholy joy a silly emotional masochist like me takes from them.
Instead he reached out for me. My sadness wanted closeness, closeness became arousal, arousal became unstoppable, and then his regrets came.
Or maybe I'm over dramatizing and this is all just brain chemicals and coincidence. I think I'll go pet cats and not dwell anymore.
