Do you know what just occured to me? I remember, it must have been Christmas time the very first time around this merry little circle...somewhere in, could it be?, 1999 or maybe even 2000...that me and Jon were sleeping in the basement for some reason or another, and as I settled into him and he put his arm around me he whispered into my ear that I was his "huggable teddy bear".
So I was his bear first...I had totally forgotten. There is history here that honestly needs to be examined, and every time I think I've gotten close I just get jumbled up again.
Yes, I know we have no future, yes I know we have a fractured past at best, but at the same time I can *feel* it in the air...whatever it is between us that is stronger than time and place and sex and love...I guess a fate of sorts if you could call it that :/
And I'm sitting here struggling with tommorow. I have screwed myself into a corner by sleeping from 10pm to 1am, and now I can't get back to sleep for the life of me. What I want to do is go downstairs, get high, and make myself eggs. Thats the last thing on earth I should be doing, but I have a feeling I may only get to sleep once I've done that...stupid me, always stupid me. I guess I'll have to go tommorow though, because I have to go to my moms at 11 and unless there is another disaster being there will make going to school that much easier. Being up and about does do something productive at least.
Bah, even the worst that might happen happen is I don't go to school...seeing as I'm down to only an elective fantasy English course, and my final Spanish semester (i.e. a couse I only have to pass to have achieved my every goal) I guess I won't get too high strung about it.
Here's to being done with college as *soon* as possible, to half-broken hearts, to the unconditional love I recieve from my bear and don't deserve, and the million other things that hold my life together :)
