*sigh*
Thats how this day has been...like a long winded monster letting out a deafening sigh. Nothing is going on, I want nothing, I am nothing. God do I sound like a depressed asshole. The truth of it all is that I am one I suppose. I want to shake free from this bullshit, I want to live again. I'm stuck for what the answer is though.
I've tried everything. I used to be party central, every day at my house there were 4 or more people just hanging out, drinking, getting high, driving around, listening to music, etc. And it was fun, it really was. But I ended up miserable, and stopped it completely. I don't even remember
why it stopped...i think maybe because of that Feburary vacation where Jeremy Jon and I did nothing but smoke pot and drive around in the snow. It was like the death of "us".
But then after 6 months we all just got back together again. And that was when all the shit that happened between me and Jon went down.
It was a magic time. That part of fall that I believe in most strongly, when the air is crisp, and the leaves are turning and..I don't know, I guess it seems like everything is possible. It's the time of year when school starts, and the time of year when you harvest the cranberries, so in my life it was always a busy, but happy time.
So where was I? Oh yeah, it became fall and back into my life danced Jon...Jonathan...god I've always loved that name. If I could fall in love with a name, it would be that one. I remember in 2nd grade we had to have pilgrim names for thanksgiving..mine was Samantha, and the kid I had a crush on, Brian got Jonathan...well if I had a crush on him before, it trippled when he got called that...it just sounds...sexy to me. That's probably gay huh?
Man, I can't stay on track today, I was trying to talk about how this thing goes in cycles and how I have tried being all alone w/ no friends, being the center of the party, just being one of the crowd, and everything in between, but nothing seems to be the solution. Its all tied together around Jon somehow, even though he wasn't always there, and as it seems now, will never be again. Yet still, we are forever connected, I just wish I knew how. Or why. Oh well, later on, perhaps when I'm more focused, I'll pick up where I was and tell the story of my great Jon romance...even though when I look back on it, it wasn't much of anything, it still sticks in my mind as one of the significant events of my life. Ok, I'll really go now!
