Wow, farther down memory lane...I guess I'm taking this as a refuge from my life that is falling apart peice by peice...there are no solutions, there are no answers...there is no reasoning behind it all.
School is an absolute mess, I am down to one class that I may also have to drop, which will unenroll me from the school, or take an F in...I will be retaking it, so that might be a better option...still. I'm lost. If i do end up out of school I will have to look for a job...that I won't find, unless it comes with a degrading outfit and the need for hamburgers to get put on little buns. Or for irate people to file in a single line towards me, the shit repository. Either scenario is *not* what I'm looking for.
My grandmother is slowly decaying, my future mother in law has practically moved in with my mother...i'm sure she *loves* that...I mean no disrespect for my bears mom, she's just...overwhelming in large doeses. I get to go back there tommorow, hopefully while she's at school so I don't have to deal with it, because in my state of mind right now I might not be so successful.
On the love front it was another big blow out day between me and bear. Its since been resolved, but it was another test of my patience, how am I going to live with this shit for the rest of my life? God help me I hope the medication the doctor might give him will help, because if it doesn't we might just be a lost cause :( But I don't want that to be true...but i can't hang on forever if i'm going to feel this way all the time.
And on the heels of that feeling...since watching that tape yesterday I have remembered so many insignificant events between Jon and myself that still meant so much to me then...its going to be torture to see him and realize that well has run dry, except for in my heart and mind. I always wonder though, what resides in his mind? Does he still love me in any fashion? I know he loves me as a friend...but does the ember of more still burn there in his chest, or did it die away when we did? When he sees me now does he remember our sordid past, or has he does like I've done so many times and put it away in the back of my mind as a shady reality that must have belonged to me but is no more familiar than a forgettable movie.
Ahh, its that part that is the worst. I suppose I could just come out and ask him, but thats like opening up my chest cavity and inviting him to bruise my heart however he sees fit. Instead I toy with the idea of letting that video "slip" into the collection the group of us are going to watch sometime this week...at least it will bring on a confrontation, although...I don't think I want to expose that part of me to the rest of them, even though they were there the first time around...that sounds dumb huh? It probably is. I dont know..i'm thinking maybe i'll just keep it segregated, and if he asks I'll tell him I watched it, and if he wants to he's welcome to, but I don't think I could watch it with him...I'd melt, and blush, and squeel, and die, and cry, and long, and moan....you know, be a female mess basically.
So I guess we'll just wait and see...its the only way I guess.
