God, the memories today are overwhelming. Those videos are just too much. So many good times, so many lost experiances. I'm glad that I have them, even if I despise seeing myself on tape, if only because they prove my life is real, that the things I remember *did* happen to me.
Of course that will make it ever more strange this week when I see Jon...he's going to see it in my eyes, and probably smell it in my pores...he's a crafty one. But I won't be embarassed. I don't deny that I loved him once. I only deny to myself that I love him still....will always love him I'm coming to see. That doesn't diminish what I feel for my bear. There is no real solution then besides denying what my heart feels. I don't think I could be the kind of hypocrite who asks for special favors without giving them back, and I could not share my bear with another woman. I just could not. So thus, I could not partake of Jon again, except perhaps in my wildest fantasies, of which there are more than ever now :/ I'm torn apart by the shadow of a fleeing dream.
Oi Vey!
