I am *so* disappointed. I had written out a wonderful little entry describing when my asshole came home at *6* AM. Then one of the terrible little kittens pulled the plug out of the wall right as (I kid you not) I was writing what wonderful little things they were and how fucking peachy it was to have them.
Sometimes I think whatever little sprite/fate/hex/fairytale makes up my life likes to fuck with me just to see how much I can take.
I can't really describe it as well a second time, but basically he is a complete self-centered ass who never considered calling, or the fact that he had left me sobbing all over the floor because of shit like this, or how he could help the situation at all really...even though he went out the door claiming he was going to "try really hard".
I guess its progress though, because it only took him about 5 minutes this time to realize he'd fucked up pretty big. He appologized and hugged and said some magic words. Then he suggested we spend some time together now.
And it floored me. He's just clueless. He *actually* thought that spending the hour he had before work watching the NFL channel was something that I would enjoy. At all...he's just *that* self centered. He figured "What would I like to watch", as simple as that. Even after weeks now of fighting about him not ever paying attention to me or my wants or needs or likes, he still manages to try and do something nice, but fuck it up *completely* just by being him.
(to clarify, i've actually come to understand a little bit about football, having our team go to the damn superbowl so many times in the last 4 years, but in general news about football, and draft picks, and assistant coaches just about bores me senseless...a fact I've communicated to him maybe a hundred times. But still, when trying to fix a situation he chose *that* as what we should spend our time watching)
On a somewhat happier note I did take the opportunity of being up off about 6 cups of coffee at dawn to take a little morning walk. It was freezing, but it was also beautiful. I wished for a minute that I could paint because the sun coming up being the slim still-bear limbs of the trees over the water was amazing (except for the part my mother fucked up, but if I were a painter I'd just paint it how it used to be and pretend it'd never changed)
No matter what, this place still is beautiful. I know I have to work harder, because I have to save this place. There are so few places left in this world that are yet so still and peaceful at dawn. I just wish I was a better human being. Nah scratch that..pulled out plug and all, I just wish I was a cat. With a nice asshole like me to feed and water me and let me sleep on their sweatshirt in the sun, even if I did ruin the diary entry. Maybe if I'm lucky and reincarnation works, and there are no silly rules about being an animal, I'll get my wish.
