Well JC went and changed his profile to something MUCH more appropriate for him :
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just a breathing machine for my dick"
Which was said by my darling McNulty on the Wire. And it's true. That describes him to the T.
On the Jon front, I'm very, very disapointed :/
He came over today to get his cd's and he most certainly did NOT have sex with me. In fact, he just about basically promised that maybe we can have one more go, but then he's probably going to go back to that moron who dumped him for some mexican guy. But I sure do give good head. So go fat chicks, we can sure suck dick, but don's take us home to stay, cuz that wouldn't be cool.
Ok, i'm a little bitter. I really thought I had the world by the balls with this whole "I don't care who you fuck" thing, but I forgot his favorite snag "Well I have a girlfriend, and I don't want to cheat on her." WTF! Why am I always the cocksucker, and never the girlfriend unless I want to be ignored for foot porn and band practices?
It's not that I wanted to go out with him in a relationship way, I just don't see why he's going to go lock himself up again. His kind of talent should be free to enlighten the masses of sexually frustrated and badly used women that GOD YES sex can be fun, not a chore, and JESUS CHRIST you should come often and loudly. (And first on that list of newly enlightened souls should be ME! then some other broad, then ME again. I'm shameless, I know, but fuck it, I thought maybe I finally got to have some satisfying, casual sex without having to resort to finding strangers on the internet with which to do it.)
GAH. I hate myself sometimes. Why can't i ever make this work out right. I really do see that I used to be a clingly moron who believed that some enchanting man would come along and "rescue" me and take me to live in a fantastic sex castle where I would whittle down to 120 lbs and become perfect, wise, and tan.
I realize that is horseshit however, since I spent the previous 5 years trying to just stay the same huge number on the scale, scrabbling out some higher wisdom on occasion, and maintining my vampire like hue. The sex castle turned out to just be my room, and the enchanting man was only enchanting when he wanted something.
Now I'm not buying that fairy tale anymore, and I *still* can't seem to find a happy little place. I'm sure I could find some other fuck buddy if that's all it was, but I do have all those lovely little feelings for him, they just now line up a little bit differently, and have stopped responding with bile every time I think about another vagina on his penis. I'm comfortable with him. I've already been though that entire "you've seen me naked" thing, and it was years and years ago. The idea of starting all over from scratch sounds *horrible* as well as inconvenient, seeing as I found him hanging around at school, and now that's a tid bit statutory. And a million other things, including that way he knows the truth of me down to my bones and that fucking LOOK in his eyes.
FUCK. Why did I have to stand in the brains line instead of the sexy physique line? Of course there are those crafty bitches like Madonna, and my god damned home town mensa mama Geena, who managed to grab them both, but for the rest of us I swear, there were two lines, not enough time, and the decision came down to "well do you want to be attractive, but not know what kind of bug a mosquito is, or do you want to have the brains to survive this mess, but have to lug this ASS around with you all the time? It'll make it a little harder to procreate, but come on, you've seen Earth, who the fuck says the SMART people are fucking reproducing? We've got a de-evolution timeline to stick to...
Of course, we all know I chose the ass. That should have made it easier with Jon, he loves the big ass. He also loves a miriad of other things, and aparently also thinks being tied down to one girl is pretty keen :/ (even though I know him best as the guy who'll hit on ANYTHING that breathes)
I almost feel like there is some way I should be using my wonderful, hard-won brain to try and convince him otherwise...of course, the same brain also informs me of how foolish it is to try and bend other people's will for your own gain. In the end you get nothing of your own to hold onto, and their resentment to boot.
And of course, in my littlest heart-shaped box inside my precious little brain, there is always that screaching tiny shrew that believes one day, they'll ALL wake up, those foolish, foolish men, and remember that I'm the one that really has their heart :/ I realize that doesn't exactly mesh with those whole "smart" thing, and I do try my best to keep a mental hand clamped tight over her fucking cake-hole, but still, I know what she really has to say:
"Come on, just hold on a little bit longer. One day, you'll have the castle, and you'll live in the plushest tower in it, and below you will be floors full of the men you've loved and have been rejected or mistreated by. They'll exist only to please you, and all of their faults will have been surgically removed from them in whatever way is most appropriate (probably a frontal lobotmy for most, but whatever, this is my stupid wish box dream and it can be as unrealistic as I can manage). You'll eat everything you've ever wanted and it will actually make you *thinner*. You'll be witty, and charming, flowing the wisdom of the ages in a completely non-threatening and Earthmother-esque way. And, when you want to be, you'll be the perfect sex goddess, able to give and recieve pure bliss, catering to your partners needs subconciously, while also inspiring only their best bedroom performances, at all times. Jealously will not exist, because other than a few choice attendant women, there WILL be NO other WOMEN! A-hA! Perfection!"
*sigh* god damned harpy...no wonder I'm always stuck out here in left field...
*EDIT*
Ok, I know this was a rambly as fuck entry, but as I did my daily wind-down after posting this, and did my silly tarot card reading I got *this* little gem:
When the Six of Cups is in this position, take a look at what is repetitive or cyclical in your life; what links the present situation to the last such experience. A new beginning requires new energy and concentration. Until you analyze the past, you will continue to drift with its current.
Distill everything that is worthwhile from your memories and get as much value from it as you can. Then use this as motivation for change. Make the very best use of hindsight, employing new strategies and trying new angles on these recurring issues
*** And then: ***
Give more -- even when you think you have nothing left to give
The Ace of Coins in this position asks you to dig a little deeper, to come up with one more strong effort, one more serious attempt to make things work out. Your mission requires perseverance, steadiness and focus. Work toward completion until you see that you have fully discharged your responsibility
*sigh* I really wish I could find that stupid fucking little black book full of my own words about my first trip on this slow boat through hell. I'd get straight to work distilling it and getting on with my one last big try. :/
