I actually managed to get Jon to call me this afternoon, and we had one of those strange fated conversations where I'm sure he can see right into the core of my soul. He always comes along with the right thing to say, the right thing to know about, the right way to convince me to just keep on going a little longer.
I wish I could just not love him and be done with it, but there is something delicious about this whole charade. I love the people I can talk to. The ones that can make an hour go by in an instant if the topic is good enough, the adjectives peppery enough, and the emotional connection strong enough. It's not the quick 5 minutes jazzy interactions you can have with the check out lady at wal-mart or the witty little truisms with classmates at college that I crave, but the comfortable spaces inhabited by people who have done this before and will do it again.
(*** I wrote that at about 3:30 this afternoon...)
Well, I had social time. It was ok. It's a little weird to hang out with girls, but since i know them both and have for just about ever, it works. I can honestly say though, if I went back and told my high school self who I was spending my weekends with these days, I think she'd laugh me right back into whatever conduit I used to contact her.
In any event though, I'm making the effort, and I'm pleased with the results to a degree. My tarot cards are pretty accurate today as well:
"The Ten of Swords in this position is reminding you to know when to cut your losses. You need to tap the good sense Nature gave you. This could mean letting go of a relationship possibility, accepting that it cannot bear positive fruit. Or it could mean going through hell for a while, for the sake of maintaining a connection. In either case, certain lines of development may not be worth pursuing right now, no matter what promises or expectations may have been made."
I wish I knew which one of those choices I should be making. Sometimes I think it must be useless to hang onto Jon, but then I remember how there can be brief moments of extreme joy and peace, if I can just weather the storm and put up with him being completely unavailable for awhile. And besides, the pain fuels me in some way that I think both he and I understand pretty intimately. You really do feel most alive when you're living on the crystaline edge of love's razor. To love someone who can destroy you, and then to let them do it has it's own kind of artistic agony rewards. The world comes into sharper focus and if you're lucky the muse allow the strength to commit that vision into some sort of art.
Anyway, sleep must come now. I have to dedicate at least SOME of this fucking weekend to schoolwork, and the best way to do that is to *not* sleep away all of Sunday.
