Still all fucked up here. In fact, I just woke up, and yet again I don't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm trying to claw my way out of this fucking hole that I've been left in without JC. I shouldn't have ever let someone so far into my heart when i was so young, but isn't that always when it happens? I like to pretend maybe I didn't love him, but I did, and I do. And right now I'm very afraid I always will, and that it will always feel this bad.
I ended up being weak and talking to him online yesterday, which only served to completely freak me the fuck out and leave us even worse off than before. I don't know what I thought I was going to accomplish, but my period did end up coming soon thereafter, so I'm blaming hormones. Love is a hormonal concept anyway.
And speaking of love, the LOVEly mr. jonathan never did end up coming to see me like he promised, but I wasn't expecting that. Something else I didn't expect was the fact that I guess he had a party last night, and no one thought to tell me, until Jeremy was on his way there and I gave him a call. It's not that I like parties that much or anything, but in the course of promising me he'd come see me during his "crazy busy weekend" he never did mention this huge bash he was having to celebrate his moving out of that apartment, or whatever.
I realize my giving a shit about that is *also* hormonal, but still. Could I stop being a fucking dirty little secret already? I don't even get to keep fucking him, so at least do be the honor of asking me a question you can be at least 80% sure I'll say no to. Jeremy also said something a little disconcerting about "oh, they're going back out???" when I referenced his girlfriend. So god only knows what is up with him there, seeing as the reason he's leaving the apartment is to move back in with her.
Things aren't adding up everywhere. And I just can't care too much longer.
