Sometimes I wish I had just one friend that was a girl. Not that I'm cut out for them full time, but occasionally (like today) it would be nice.
See, Jon spent the night here. No, we did not have sex. Or anything. But I did have to share my bed with him, and so there were a certain ammount of "girl-feelings" which rose to the surface.
I couldn't help it. I never even agreed to having him spend the night. All I thought was that he was coming over for a little while to smoke a bowl and watch some TV. But instead he came with a backpack and intentions. Plus a ton of food, and beer. So I let him stay, what else could I do?
Tommy was good, like I had hoped he would be, and made a general anouncement before sleep about my keeping my act together and Jon keeping his cock in his pants. And we did, but i mean, we had to share a blanket, so obviously I "slept" with him, and i stroked his hair to sleep, and other girl things. I just couldn't help myself. It's been so long since I shared my bed with anyone that even a half-suitor will do.
So morning came, and he just kept staying, which I didn't really mind anymore because I had been sucked deep into the ego game of "I think he wants me, but he won't touch me, why? Does he even want me? How can I over analyze anything he does to prove one way or the other RIGHT NOW?" and all that game really ever needs is more time. Always more time.
Tommy eventually couldn't take any more though, and started making it clear, so Jon left and I was left in an internal chemical haze.
After re-hashing the last 24 hours for a little while (like is important after all social interactions), all of a sudden Tommy didn't want to hear it anymore. I do realize that I was full of girly-mush feelings, which he has professed never to have had to sit through personally. And I also realize that hearing about Jon forever has to suck, but still. We hadn't been talking long by the point where he ended up making me cry and I hadn't been talking about Jon for awhile anymore. I was talking about how I could be so stupid as to care if he wants me because in general I've never really been *wanted*. In retrospect I do get his point about other people only wanting you for their own objectives, but I don't think he's ever really known what it was like to love/lust after someone and not just immediatly get them if he wants (if not already have them completely won over). It's awfully lonely on the other side of that coin, and he couldn't have cared less. And said so, provoking me to do what any estrogen engorged lump would do: cry, eat a fried food, and go to directly to sleep.
That's where a girl would have come in handy. At least I think they would. Come to think of it, I never really end up telling them anything for other self-concious reasons. I mean, shit, look at the Chrissy debacle. I guess that's why they made up diaries :/
