Such a weird phase of my life. In so many ways it's really the culmination of all the segments that came before it. I spend my days repressing lust and still genuinely enjoying the company I keep. He is like all the good parts of jc taken out and put in someone infinitely better and I am so good at being best computer/tv/get high friends. I still feel the electricity when our fingers brush while passing the pipe, and I wonder if he does. If he ever did. If I was always out there alone, or if he was there too and just got scared.
It'll all be interesting to see when his birthday rolls around. In a weird timetable of fate we're back to having the traditional april fire celebration of this day, which can be found referenced in the begining of this little online diatribe all the way back in 2004. I put myself out on the table in very old school kate style and offered "hey, invite a few people, whoever you want" and I know that at least some of them are going to be the 'competition' or at least the last runners up in this race I didn't realize I was running until it was too late. I may even get unlucky enough that our old friend who still holds his little flame for me will be coming with his fiance. Oh the potential hurt feelings that will abound THAT night.
I can only hope that I handle myself with grace and that none of the worst imaginings that my overactive little brain can concoct will come true.
